Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Randomize
