Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
