I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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