dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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