Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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