so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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