If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
