birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
