I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
