Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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