Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
