is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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