So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
