Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize