Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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