I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
