So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need a beard to bite.
Drunk is not a location!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize