Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
