when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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