Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
