Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
