3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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