I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
