How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
