My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
