New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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