i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
