My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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