dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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