I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
