What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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