I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
