Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I love having hate sex.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
