i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
