so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
someone owes me an orgasm
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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