Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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