There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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