Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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