I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
