i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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