I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
