I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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