Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
accomplished twins. life is a go
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
