Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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