I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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