I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
