look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
