My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
