i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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