I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
