I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
