Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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