this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
