WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
two words...techno handjob
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
