All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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