Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
