I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
