My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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